Dispersed between the speakers we bring in (great success with Amb John Bolton last week btw) and activist projects we work on, the University Republicans like to have some fun in adding to the political discourse on campus. This upcoming event is a great example. I thought readers would find the event info quite amusing and so pasted the event info below.

If you’d like to support the efforts of the University Republicans, please make a check out to the University of Chicago (memo: College Republicans donation) and mail with marked attention to “College Republicans”, 5706 South University Avenue, Chicago IL 60637. Your gift in kind will be processed and you will receive a receipt from the university for tax purposes.

Be on the lookout come Monday from 12:00-1:30 on the University of Chicago Quad as YOU have a chance to become a Nobel Peace Prize recipient!

Yes, you could join the venerable ranks of activists like Henry Kissinger, Yasser Arafat, Elihu Root, Woodrow Wilson, and Mohandas Gandhi (wait, he never got it).

Feeling unsure about your credentials? Don’t worry! John Bolton was considered for the prize just because of his awe-inspiring stache. Rush Limbaugh…for sharing his drug cabinet with irascible world leaders.

The committee, which will be donning UChicago Nobel laureate “Milton Friedman Freedom” t-shirts, will be awarding deserving students with edible Nobel Peace Prizes. Though we will duly note you holding open the door to Cobb for others, we would prefer it if you would tell us how you WILL hold open the door instead of already doing it.

Other laudable, student undertakings meriting a Nobel include:
*Committing to not beating up the “That Kid” in your SOSC class next quarter.
*Having lunch with a white UCPD officer and a black UChicago professor
*Pledging to refrain from “housecest” this year in a move to stifle ever prevalent drama.
*Lobbying Robert Zimmer with an Oprah-look-a-like to bring the 2010 Rose Bowl to campus.

The students who give us the best and most amusing reasons on why they should receive a Nobel Peace Prize will be featured in a short film on YouTube.

So get the word out to all your friends!

***The UChicago Nobel Peace Prize Committee is a contingent of the University Republicans, a rag tag band of right-leaning students who advocate for individual liberty & government accountability while engaging their fellow peers with educational, political, and fun events. The committee meets every Monday at 7:00 in the Bartlett Trophy Lounge.***

In response to what I had taken as the funniest joke I had heard all day, I almost veered off the road into the nearby creek (aka pulling a Kennedy minus a blonde) after realizing that Tom Delay will actually be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. And so, the former House majority leader and whip – the “hammer” – will be doing the “hustle” come September.

Now I don’t know what will make Democrats squirm more while tuning in to the show: Delay flaunting pink sequins while doing the polka or Tom Bergeron’s vain attempts at one-liners?

Still, Mr. Delay might excel in the spotlight given his politically “snakish” ways and reputation as House whip. In fact, if you go to Delay’s website (now Dancing with Delay), it’s as if Joan Rivers knows “HTML” as anything relating to or mentioning politics has been cut, lifted, and/or airbrushed.

Conrad Green, executive producer of Dancing with the Stars, remarked that he hoped the appearance of a politician like Delay on the show would encourage former President Bill Clinton to “step up” for “the honor of the Democratic Party” and be a contestant in the near future.

Yet, if only Green had succeeded in acquiring both Delay and Clinton for this season. Clinton could probably fit in a quickstep with his partner before taking the stage and Delay could even provide a finer, Cuban cigar.

But only time will tell if Mr. Delay’s political pirouette will pay off (with votes of course – already tried the laundering route). Otherwise, Mr. Delay’s moves will come off as “an act of barbarianism” to the viewing audience, the watchers will cast their votes, and Mr. Delay’s plug will be pulled.

My looks and brawn might pail in comparison,
To the many archetypes of man who want to be your twitter “boyfriend”.
While numerous other men probably showering you with their cool coquetry,
You always exude the most piercing yet graceful allure that unsurprisingly,
Leaves men like me enamored quite breathlessly.

To extol your brilliant pulchritude is in itself an indescribable pleasure,
For a manly man like me of such might and muscular measure.

I’m sorry for the brag above for I had to rhyme.

I know it contradicts the first line.

I just wanted at the start to sound meekly humble,

But, girl, I can defeat 10000 Michael Moores in any rumble.

One day, the name “Tabitha Hale” will be synonymous with “political legend”,
The woman who ensured the country remained “right” though any leftist lesion.

Even now, as your internet renown and blogging prowess exponentially increases,
The ranks of blogging Liberal Democrat boys dwindles and decreases.
No inquiry needs to be made or considered why?
They can’t ignore you like they would do a Clinton lie.
Lost in your beauty they recant their wayward ideology without a sigh.
And now they promise it’s only cause of you they seem high.

You work day after day passionately to receive your deserved merit pay,
Despising “equal pay laws” that presuppose your inferiority without your say.
Leftist “feminazis” see you at work and tremble in fear,
As you labor harder than any man who can with his head crush cans of beer.
For you drop Proverbs 31 and faith in God knowing you’ll have a successful career,
whether world-class mom in the Volvo or world-class CEO in the leer.

Leftist, drugged-up hippies when seeing her can’t believe their sight.
For a second they think it is “PinkElephant” – the impassioned blogger for the Right.
Then a fanciful hallucination as her beauty and brilliance glistens in the light,
She is the girl of their dreams and they know they won’t get to hold her at night.

Conservative women adore her as their next Ann Coulter,
Unafraid to walk down any street with her .327 mag in holster.

Conservative men become awestruck and speechless in her presence,
Even capital L Libertarians are obviously quite hesitant.

Liberal guys envy conservative guys like me,
For having a twitter direct message exchange with her that was meant to be.

In @replies I had tried to be cute and funny.
She DM’ed me back with a “Thank You” and a smiley face oh so lovely.

Now, as a God-fearin’ man I ain’t trying to rush.
Just simply want her to know about my lil’ twitter crush.
Maybe this is how it is going to be,
Beholden by her irresistibility,
To write rambling and even embarrassing poetry,
In honor of her charm, her wit, and her unrivaled beauty.

And so I finish this twitter ode of political love
Not knowing exactly what to say.
You make this NeoCon as weak as a dove,
And on twitter, you always and forever will make his day.

(Written September 18th, 2008 as a NYT Letter-to-the-Editor)

Your recent editorial claims that regulatory inaction “championed” by Republicans and Senator McCain in areas like finance has caused economic “failure”.

Yet, as your newspaper reported in 2003 (“New Agency Proposed to Oversee Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae”), economic culpability does not lie with the Republicans if one believes regulation to be the solution. Interest by the Bush administration and congressional Republicans to strengthen government oversight of Fannie and Freddie met ardent opposition from Democrats who ignored the foretelling reports and the broken lending system.

In 2005, Senator McCain cosponsored the “Federal Regulatory Reform Act” citing “the enormous risk…to the economy as a whole” from Fannie and Freddie.

Senator Obama claims Senator McCain is economically out-of-touch, but Obama’s considerable campaign contributions from Fannie and Freddie totaling $126,349 and his appointment of two former Fannie and Freddie CEOs as economic advisors might make one rethink who is actually out-of-touch.

(Originally written on July 19th, 2007)

This is so hilarious and true! I stayed up most of the night while watching C-SPAN2 and witnessed the amusement. And don’t worry…I have my thoughts on the Levin/Reed amendment, which is nothing but a disappointment to supporters of the war and those who want us to leave Iraq (I will explain in a later post). Now I must confess that I stole this article from my girlfriend’s page. It was too good to pass up.

Senate’s Iraq Debate Is More Slumber Than Party

By Dana Milbank
Thursday, July 19, 2007; Page A02

With much fanfare, Democrats invited camera crews to film the arrival of a dozen cots outside the Senate chamber Tuesday afternoon for the all-night Iraq debate.

With rather less fanfare, the cots, unused, were removed early yesterday morning. “They’ve been taking some of them out,” a Capitol Police officer said at 2 a.m. “It was just a photo op.”

So was the debate.

The Democrats had the cameras film the delivery of pizza to the cloakroom. They offered barbecue to Republicans. They gave GOP senators care packages of Colgate toothpaste, a CVS toothbrush and Speed Stick deodorant, all wrapped in a yellow ribbon with a note taunting: “A few supplies for your sleepless night. Help us bring an end to this war.”

If wars could be ended as easily as cavities, the Democrats’ tactics might have produced some results. But everybody knew that opponents of the war didn’t have the 60 votes the GOP required to pass a withdrawal plan; the Democrats fell eight votes short when the decision came yesterday. Rather than work out a compromise, they called the all-night session to focus maximum embarrassment on the Republicans.

A cranky minority party came prepared for a pillow fight.

“I guess we’ll have a lot of fun staying up late, having a Senate slumber party,” groused John Cornyn (R-Tex.).

Jim Bunning (R-Ky.) complained about “phony images of cots, toothpaste and sleepy politicians.”

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who lamented “all the gags and giggles and gimmicks, the cold pizza and the empty cots,” upbraided his colleagues: “This isn’t Hollywood — this is real life.”

By the second of three “bed checks” — roll-call votes to roust senators from their slumber — there could be no mistaking the Senate floor for Hollywood.

Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) entered the chamber after midnight with his white hair wildly askew — an apparent victim of bed head. Idaho Republican Mike Crapo’s shirt was partly untucked. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) had changed into a black muumuu, while half a dozen men went with a slacks-and-blazer combo. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) chewed gum. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio) unwrapped a candy bar and dropped crumbs as he ate. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) reclined in his chair. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.) blinked as though his eyes were dry. Mel Martinez (R-Fla.) yawned.

Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) sat at a desk and rubbed his face, wearing a faraway expression. When Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) announced that the next bed check would be at 5 a.m., Stevens’s countenance turned sour.

For the first quorum call, at the civilized hour of 8:30 p.m., nine of the 100 senators were missing. By the midnight call, 22 were gone. At the 5:15 a.m. check, 40 were AWOL, including 13 Democrats. Technically, the Senate sergeant-at-arms had the power to seize the absent senators and haul them into the chamber — but nobody wanted to see Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) carried in wearing a nightcap and union suit (more like a white robe…haha).

Democrats tried to keep things interesting, passing a large sign with a flag motif demanding “Let Us Vote.” But the talk on the floor quickly devolved into the sort of repetition associated with a telethon. “It’s time to stop filibustering,” Bob Menendez (D-N.J.) proposed to his weary colleagues. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) put his chin on his fist. “None of the benchmarks were met,” Menendez asserted. A GOP aide yawned. “The president took our focus away from Afghanistan.” Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.) rubbed his eyes. “That dog won’t hunt.” Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) sank into his chair and stroked his brow.

By the time Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) inherited the “Let Us Vote” baton after 1 a.m., there were only three senators in the chamber with the presiding officer, Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.). McCaskill appeared to be napping until closer inspection revealed that she was studying a BlackBerry in her lap. Coleman stifled a yawn.

With so much of the debate a rehash, some opted to debate the late-night debate itself.

“There’s no need to do the all-night gig,” ventured Christopher Bond (R-Mo.).

But Ken Salazar (D-Colo.) spoke of the value of “watching the night come, watching the sun rise here in Washington.”

Either way, newcomer John Barrasso (R-Wyo.) didn’t mind. As “a trauma surgeon, I’m used to getting up at this hour and working at all unusual hours,” he said just after 5 a.m.

While a few senators kept some semblance of a debate going on the floor, other parts of the Senate apparatus nodded off. The parking lots emptied. The basement cafeteria closed. The elevator boy paced idly. The Senate subways came and went without passengers. The most active figures in the Capitol were the antiwar demonstrators who, after hours outside at a rally, formed a pungent line to enter the public gallery.

In the wee hours, John McCain (R-Ariz.) walked alone toward the Senate chamber. “I’m going to speak all night,” he vowed with determination.

“I’m going to bed,” a reporter told the senator.

“You won’t miss a thing,” McCain assured.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/18/AR2007071801721.html

(Originally written on April 19th, 2007 – a mock AP report)

(Washington, DC) With an average fatality rate of over 1,000 per year, upon realizing that more Americans have died building and maintaining the US highway system than in Iraq during the course of the Iraq War, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has pronounced the Federal Highway system as lost. He went on to suggest it’s simply another sign of Bush administration incompetence though the fatality rate is down from that under former President Clinton.

“The cost is too great,” said Reid. “It’s time for American drivers to step up”, he went on, suggesting that American drivers begin carrying shovels and containers of asphalt to effect their own repairs as they make their way.

Representative Jack Murtha (D) is said to be crafting legislation to re-deploy all American highway workers to golf courses, hedgerows and large fenced-in yards, where they can work out of harm’s way. “We can deploy them as needed when a major highway or bridge collapses, like Ted Kennedy’s Big Dig,” said Murtha.

Given that overall occupational deaths claim far more American lives every year than throughout the entire course of the Iraq War, some speculate that Democrats may eventually propose doing away with working altogether, believing it’s far more safe for Americans if they simply stay home.