Dems to Stop All Highway Funding
(Originally written on April 19th, 2007 – a mock AP report)
(Washington, DC) With an average fatality rate of over 1,000 per year, upon realizing that more Americans have died building and maintaining the US highway system than in Iraq during the course of the Iraq War, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has pronounced the Federal Highway system as lost. He went on to suggest it’s simply another sign of Bush administration incompetence though the fatality rate is down from that under former President Clinton.
“The cost is too great,” said Reid. “It’s time for American drivers to step up”, he went on, suggesting that American drivers begin carrying shovels and containers of asphalt to effect their own repairs as they make their way.
Representative Jack Murtha (D) is said to be crafting legislation to re-deploy all American highway workers to golf courses, hedgerows and large fenced-in yards, where they can work out of harm’s way. “We can deploy them as needed when a major highway or bridge collapses, like Ted Kennedy’s Big Dig,” said Murtha.
Given that overall occupational deaths claim far more American lives every year than throughout the entire course of the Iraq War, some speculate that Democrats may eventually propose doing away with working altogether, believing it’s far more safe for Americans if they simply stay home.