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Grand Ayatollah Gives to Santorum Super PAC to “Defeat Great Satan”

(Tehran, Iran) — Reports surfaced today that the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei had donated 1.25 million Rials to the Santorum super PAC, “Red, White, & Blue.” The super PAC had recently been plagued with accusations of foreign support when a London-based securities firm donated $50k. The Santorum PAC has promptly returned both donations.

Calls to the grand ayatollah’s silo were returned with a comment from Khamenei’s press secretary, bin al-ot Bulsht-in: “Ayatollah Ali Khamenei apologizes for any confusion over his gift to the presidential candidate, Mr. Rick Santorum. Though the ayatollah finds common ground with the former senator from Hersheyland on so-called women’s rights, the ayatollah had read a poor translation of an old Santorum speech. Our dear ayatollah thought Santorum had proclaimed the inevitable, internal turmoil and corruption of the ‘Great Satan’ that is America.”

An audio of Senator Santorum’s full “Satan Speech” can be found online. Bin al-ot Bulsht-in stated that the inaccurate translation is owing to “a Chinese nuclear physicist briefly taking overtime pay as an intern for Khamenei.” The press secretary provided an excerpt from the incorrectly translated speech below:

The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a greedy, dictatorial, powerful, influential country — the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you side with in this day and age? There is no one else to go with other than the United States, and that’s been the case for now almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers…Using those great virtues of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of these strong plants that have so deeply rooted in American tradition, [Satan] was successful. The place where he was, in my mind, the most successful and first successful was in America. He understood pride of ‘smart’ people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were in fact smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different, pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it, ‘because we’re smart;’ and so America a long time ago fell.

In contrast, TFAT has included the above excerpt’s original wording:

The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States, and that’s been the case for now almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers…Using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of these strong plants that have so deeply rooted in American tradition. He was successful. The place where he was, in my mind, the most successful and first successful was in academia. He understood pride of “smart” people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were in fact smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different, pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it, ‘because we’re smart;’ and so academia a long time ago fell.

Ali Khamenei “had been concerned that Santorum was against ‘radical Islamic policies’ but then he found out that an aide had simply misspoke,” said bin al-ot Bulsht-in. Coupled with the resurfaced statements of Santorum about the “Great Satan,” the grand ayatollah had “decided to financially support a US presidential candidate for the first time.”

Sources inside the grand ayatollah’s silo confirmed that this whole mishap occurred because of the ayatollah recently watching 2010′s State of the Union address. At the time, President Barack Obama had exaggerated the Citizens United decision as allowing US elections “to be bankrolled…by foreign entities.”

A senior Russian “diplomat” inside the ayatollah’s silo had mentioned that the Chinese “intern” had been distracted from his translating assignment due to “watching highlight reels of Jeremy Lin on loop.” TFAT has not been able to confirm this with other sources.

While Ali Khamenei’s support for Santorum has dissipated, bin al-ot Bulsht-in wanted to remind infidels in America that the grand ayatollah still outspokenly supports Congressman Jesse Jackson’s jihad against his Great Satan opponent.

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